Getting Kids to Communicate

Me: “Hi son, how was school today?”
Son: “Mpf.”
Me: “Did you have fun?”
Son: “MrbleDrble”
Me: “What sort of things did you learn about?”
Son: “Stuff.”
In my head: Gasp! A word! A real english word!
Me: “Ok, well glad we could have this talk about your day!”

Does that sound familiar to you? Are my children the strange ones that don’t pontificate in prose about their every emotion and thought? I mean, they talk. A lot actually. But never about the things I want them to talk about. We could talk for hours with them asking me questions like:

“Mom, who invented the screwdriver?”
“Mom, when was the first cake baked?”
“Mom, who first said the word, ‘Awesome’?”
“Mom, is Michael Jackson really a man or are you lying to me?”
(Actual questions from this past year)

You know, basically an endless list of questions that I have no answer for.

I’m a bit of a determined bull-dog though. When there is an area that I’m frustrated with or feel like it could just be better I get dialed in and focused. I become determined to figure out how to draw out my boys.

These past three years I’ve been on this path to find ways to more deeply connect, with actual words, to my sons. Here are some things I’ve learned along the way (through a lot of trial and error).

Timing can be everything.

Here is something that should come with our children’s instruction manual.

“Appendix C
Section 4: Your child shall be virtually mute with the exception of inaudible mumbles for a minimum of 45 minutes after departing the school grounds.
Section 5: Each school day shall be described as either, a.) fine or b.) good. Just accept it. During this 45 minute time period they will remember absolutely nothing that happened during the school day since they did nothing according to your child’s steel trap memory.”

This may be extreme, some children love to talk about the school day the moment they see Mom or Dad. The rest of us should accept that walking out of school and having to be interrogated by Mom is just not nice.

Timing can be everything. Sometimes kids don’t talk because we ask them at all the wrong times.

I had to figure out the times my boys feel relaxed and ready to talk and seize those moments. For us, laying in bed at the end of the day is a really good time. We normally do a devotional or read a chapter from a book. It never fails, they start bringing up all sorts of things that they have kept inside the rest of the day. It doesn’t matter to me when they talk, just as long as we are talking. I know now, a silent car ride home is kind of nice for them after a busy school day. I get that and it’s now fine with me too.

Talk shoulder to shoulder instead of face to face.

This is like a sneak attack basically. I’m a woman, so generally I like to sit, look at my friend and then commence pouring our hearts out. Children, and especially boys I think, generally aren’t this way. (Also true for men but that’s another blog post!)

It can actually be intimidating to have their parent stare deeply in their eyes and ask questions.

Once I realised that my timing was not my sons timing I started to look for other moments. Doing something together (shoulder to shoulder) can create great opportunities. If I want to hear from one of my boys, I will ask them to join me on a project or I join them on something they love.

Today, I invited my youngest to cook breakfast for the family. He jumped at the chance. As we were working together making eggs I took over one of his “jobs”. “Mom! I’m supposed to crack the eggs!”. Without looking at him I just casually said, “Oh man, I’m sorry… I do that a lot don’t I? Just take over like that”. He didn’t miss a beat, “Yep, just yesterday you did the same thing with fixing my toy!” He started to giggle and laugh that we were pointing at Mom’s mistakes. I didn’t mind at all, it was all true!

We ended up talking about things he loves to do and wishes we let him do more. It was so good. This honesty would not have happened if I sat him down for a serious discussion on boundaries and independence.

Talking while working shoulder to shoulder can create the ease and safety to discuss whatever seems to come up. Try it.

Take the African Approach

Westerners generally take a very direct route to things. If we are frustrated, we sit down and say, “I’m frustrated.” Most cultures in Africa simply do not do this. They tell stories, bring up other topics and slowly remove layers of an onion until they finally get to the point in the middle where they say, “I’m frustrated”.

I’m starting to think most kids start out more African until we get our hands on them. It just feels so much safer to slowly get to a point instead of careening at full speed into a verbal confession about their day.

Be alert and join that journey. A story or comment about something seemingly insignificant could actually be them warming up to the heart of matter.

I often initiate this and have found it a miracle worker.

Recently my youngest son was out of sorts about something, annoyed at everyone in the family.

Instead of asking him outright, I went, sat next to him and said, “Did I ever tell you about the one time Babu (my father) yelled at me?” His eyes instantly got big and he was hooked. He expected me to talk about him and his behaviour (and he’d never seen Babu yell at anyone!).

We sat and I told stories from my past, we discussed a recent movie we saw, we reminisced about our own family stories. At the end I gently said, “I bet you get frustrated with me sometimes, don’t ya?” He didn’t even blink, “I sure do, just last week…”

He didn’t have to guess if it was safe to admit this or if the timing was right… we had slowly been working up to the moment and it was just natural to now share his own story.

How can you slowly work your way in to the heart of the manner in a more gentle and safe manner?

Be careful about sarcasm and verbal takeovers

If my sons share something and I either a.) make a joke about it (sarcastic or otherwise) or b.) jump in and take over the conversation then they will simply stop telling me things.

Some parents are especially prone to this. Just stop.

Listen and take their interests and information seriously instead of making a joke. Don’t have a comment for everything, no one wants to share with a verbal hijacker. Stop those bad habits.

Lead by Example

Do you know how kids learn to communicate? By watching Mom and Dad. If you want kids who communicate, lead by example.

Share with them. Be honest and vulnerable at times (in appropriate ways). Your own vulnerability can pave the way for theirs.

As Mom and Dad, make sure they see and observe you communicating to one another. Take an interest in what each family member shares. Don’t make communicating with your kids an interrogation where Mom asks they questions and they answer.

With some attention and flexibility, we all can find our children communicating more honestly and openly… even if they only have grunts for you after school.

Date Night on the Cheap

Date NightI always get a huge reality check/heart attack combo when I visit the States and hear how much babysitting costs. It’s a lot. I’ve considered babysitting as a back-up career if this ministry gig doesn’t work out. My recent post on 4 types of date nights got me thinking about how to make dates cheaper and more accessible. Spending quality time with our spouse is healthy but also just plain fun. If expense is an obstacle then figure out a way around that.

Here are 10 date night ideas to get your creativity flowing.

1. Babysitting Exchange: Why not conspire with another family to regularly take care of each other’s kids? This works especially well if the kids are friends… then they love the evening too! Every other week, take turns being the ones to watch all the kids at your place. This works for weekend trips too. My husband and I have felt very sorry for ourselves for years because we live so far from family… thus making overnight trips seem nearly impossible. Just last week I went to a friend and said, “Enough! Every year we need to do a kid exchange and each get away for two nights.”. She said “yes” before I had even finished my sentence!

2. Call in a Favor: Why not just ask favors of people? Ask a relative or friend to watch the kids as a gift. Simply say, “We want to go out more but are struggling to come up with the cash, would you be willing to watch the kids once or twice a month?” I think you would be surprised at how many people would want to help.

3. Skip the Meal: One of the biggest expenses on a date is the restaurant tab. Skip this. Eat something before you go out and make the date about doing something else. If you want food, keep it simple by sharing a dessert or having coffee at a nice cafe.

4. Get Some Culture: Often art shows, museums, author readings, unique festivals and other cultural events are cheap or free. Keep your eyes open for what is happening in your community and try something different.

5. Outdoors: This works especially well in the long and warm summer days. Being outdoors is free and so relaxing. Go for a hike, borrow a kayak and get on the water, ride your bikes somewhere. One of my favourite things to do with Chris is picnics. Pack up something simple, get outdoors and enjoy being together.

6. Dreaming Date: My husband and I love, love, love to dream. We talk about trips we want to take, goals we’d like to achieve, family vacations we could plan, new cities we want to visit… it’s so fun! This is a refreshing way to connect that is free. A great environment for this is your local bookstore, looking at magazines, talking about the future and possibilities.

7. Combine Business with Pleasure:U.S. Travel Association survey found that couples who travel together have a better relationship and better sex than those who don’t. Two-thirds of those surveyed said a weekend away will spark more romance in their relationship than any gift. To bring down the expenses of a getaway trip, attach it to a business trip. If one spouse is traveling for business, why not have the other join and you both stay for 2 extra nights. This brings down costs for travel and can make it do-able.

8. Drop-Off: Drop off kids at Sunday School while you skip off for breakfast… avoiding church altogether. The Sunday School teachers will be none-the-wiser! Ok, I’m joking. Mostly. Haven’t all parents considered this option at least once?!

9. Stay at Home: A stay at home date can be just as nice as going out with a little planning. Plan an evening together with intention. If you have kids, the night only starts once the kids are fed and in bed. Have a later dinner with candles, spend time connecting. Being home gives all sorts of nice options such as taking a bath together, dancing on your own personal dance floor, watching the stars in your back yard with something warm to drink.

10. Utilise your Church: So many local churches are finding ways to support married couples… take advantage of it! Many churches offer date night babysitting where you drop of your kids. Some have yearly marriage seminars which are free and really fun… I know of many that provide the food and all!

What other ideas do you have where money is not a hinderance to date night?

Choosing Christmas

Recently I overheard a mother at school saying, “This year I’m not giving in to a frantic and busy Christmas. I’m going to relax and put my feet up!” This is something many of us have probably said at one time or another but it was unique because I live in South Africa. I smiled and thought to myself, “Your ‘busy’ is an American’s ‘relaxed’”.

Seriously, as an American spending Christmas in South Africa, I love the relaxed and family feel of the Christmas season here.

We are in the Southern Hemisphere where it is summer. So, our Christmas traditions involve camping, hiking, picking Strawberries and a whole lot of swimming. Our Christmas vacation photos look something more like this than Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas”:

 

Christmas_swim

 

Christmas_Braai

But really, we can all have a relaxed and relationship orientated Christmas no matter what hemisphere we live in. We have to choose it yet we don’t. In the news, on Facebook, Twitter and everywhere else I see a repeated theme; a desire to rid ourselves of a consumer based and frantic Christmas.

Here are some thoughts to consider as you head in to Christmas season wherever you find yourself:

Complaint:

“Christmas is just so busy”

Christmas comes with expectations for the food, parties, gift buying, making memories, taking pictures, traveling far and wide… the list goes on. The reality: this is self-driven. There is no secret Christmas monster that is making you do this under threat of bodily dismemberment. We will be driven by the expectations that we deem important and give power to. Busy-ness is a choice. I choose to be busy, no one makes me be busy.

Someone once said,

“…the word busy is the symptom not of commitment but of betrayal. It is not devotion but defection.”

Our choice to be frantic and busy in front of God, our children and the whole world to see only reveals our own betrayal of what is truly valuable.

Complaint:

“Family dynamics are so complicated”

Yes, this is true. There are in-laws and out-laws and everything in between. Christmas comes with expectations and that’s what makes normal family relationships suddenly a lot more dramatic and complicated this time of year.

Here is a deeper truth. What really makes it more complicated and dramatic for us is our own participation in the drama. We can’t make all the drama go away but we can choose to not engage. It seems, though, that we see ourselves as victims of the drama instead of adults with the power of choice.

A few years back a friend asked me, “How can I make Christmas day work? I have to get my family to 4 parties that day… any ideas?”. I did happen to have an idea: “Choose 1 or 2 and skip the rest!”. “But people will be so upset with us!”, she replied.

Well, that is only a drama if you choose to engage with it… if you don’t, you will have a lovely day!

Complaint:

“Christmas has been taken over by consumerism”

It is a marvel to me that everyone complains about this but yet doesn’t do anything about it in their own home. Authors make a lot of money writing about how they “took back Christmas”. This is amazing! It is so astounding to us that people would choose to buy less gifts that we will read a whole book about it like we are reading about an alien invasion.

Yes, our children spend more time writing Christmas lists than learning about the greatest gift. Is this their doing or ours?

If we truly believe that we are not defined by the things we own then it will not be an issue to own less. If we truly believe that our children will find their deepest joy in Jesus, as opposed to the latest toy, on Christmas morning then it will provide no anxiety what-so-ever to choose to buy less gifts at Christmas. The problem, I think, is what we truly believe is not what we profess we believe.

This Christmas, choose to make it a great one. One free of busy-ness, drama and consumerism.

I really do believe it is the most wonderful time of the year… so from my family to yours, Merry Christmas!