This year was a year of being slow for me. It was a year of stepping back from what I considered, at the time, overwhelming responsibilities. I set aside a few months to rest in order that I could be healthy for the long haul.
So, that was the goal at least. What did I do with that breathing space that I created you might ask?
Well, I travelled through more airports than I can even count. I packed my bags and my childrens bags and travelled from one end of America to the other and back again (and again and again). I home-schooled my children in the process. We bought a house here in South Africa and thought, “With all our free energy we need to renovate this thing before we move in!” I spent the days before Christmas packing and moving house.
In the process of almost single-handedly painting the entire house (that includes ceilings, rafters, the whole shabang) I had a moment of clarity. “I think I’m more independent than I first realised… I think I like to do things on my own without any help.”
The fact that this seemed like a small “revelation” is astounding (especially to my husband!). Astounding at my stupidity. Astounding at my blindness. Independent? The Declaration of Independence should be my life’s mission statement because that’s how I seem determined to live.
I start out with such ideals.
Vow: Need people more deeply.
Small Print: But not too much and always on my terms.
Vow: Rely on others.
Small Print: But only so far and use precaution.
Vow: Ask for help more.
Small Print: A good time to do this is when I have attempted it on my own for an extended length of time.
Vow: Trust people.
Small Print: Dangerous territory, use extreme caution. Only if absolutely necessary and all other options have been exhausted.
When all the other options have been exhausted I’m simply left exhausted.
This is my tendency and I’m starting to realise that it will always be my battle to fight. I’ve grown and come so far. But, for this sojourn on earth, my temptation will always be to go it alone. There will be seasons of healthy and wonderful interdependence but I need to have safeguards against veering off-road and heading into the wilderness.
I know this isn’t everyones temptation. Some of us cling too strongly to others in unhealthy and (at times) destructive ways. We make individuals our gods, the ones we think will bring us wholeness and healing.
If only ______ helped me, I would be ok.
If only ________ loved me then my life would be full.
If ________ leaves me my life will be over.
Only _______ truly “gets” me and understands me.
These are all signs of unhealthy dependence. Their mantra about people is captured so well by Jerry Maguire, “You. Complete. Me.”
All of the above statements make me throw up in my mouth a little. Sorry.
I’m just so independent.
There’s a support group out there for y’all who truly believe this dysfunctional dependency is love.
I’ve got my own support group… just me, myself and I attend it. Perfect. Heaven. Dysfunctional.
This is the catch of how God designed life.
We cannot be whole and healthy through people.
We cannot be whole and healthy without people.
Our saviour cannot be people (or a person). Our Saviour does not work apart from people.
My dear, lovely Jesus. You’ve got my number and I know it.
I’m trusting God to rid me of this “Declaration of Independence”. I’m thinking that I need a “Declaration of Asking for Help Next Time I Decide to Paint My House From Top to Bottom”. It’s a step in the right direction, right?
What about you? Are you looking to others to define your worth and value? Or are you reaching for a barf bag just reading that sentence?
Photo Credit: Rob Walker